Love in the Trenches: Facing Trauma Together in Couples Therapy

Trauma is more than just what happened to you—it’s also what didn’t happen, but should have. Think of all the unmet needs, the moments of abandonment, the quiet neglect that led you to where you are now. These experiences don’t always stay in the past; they often echo in the present—especially in our closest relationships. When one or both partners carry unresolved trauma, it can feel as though the relationship itself is under siege. But the truth is: the couple is not the enemy. The trauma is.

Trauma rewires the nervous system in an attempt to protect us. We build emotional walls. We deny ourselves play, joy, and rest as we stay hyper-alert, scanning for danger. Trust feels risky, because fear is constantly whispering worst-case scenarios into our everyday lives. This relentless search for safety runs beneath the surface, often unnoticed—even by ourselves.

In relationships, these protective responses can look like distance, defensiveness, or disconnection. It’s easy—and very human—to mistake these trauma responses as personal attacks. One partner may shut down; the other might reach out in panic.

For those of us who go quiet, trauma may have taught us that speaking up leads nowhere—that we’ll be ignored, invalidated, or even punished. For those of us who panic, we may have learned to fawn or please, giving others what they want at the expense of our own needs. One partner might become hyper-independent, while the other feels abandoned.

These are not signs of weakness. They are signs of survival.

Often, couples fight not because they are incompatible—but because they don’t recognize the shared, invisible wound: trauma. Healing as a couple means shifting the focus in therapy from “you vs. me” to “us vs. trauma.” It means learning to stand together, side by side, and to see each other’s pain not as a threat—but as a call for compassion.

Yes, trauma alters how we think, feel, and connect. But it doesn’t have to define our relationships. Couples can learn to navigate the storm together—with patience, support, and, when needed, therapeutic guidance.

To the couples who feel like they’re stuck in a battlefield of arguments:
You are not broken. Your relationship is not beyond repair.
You are simply learning how to love in the aftermath of pain. And that is one of the bravest things two people can do together.