Grieving When the World Tells You Not to: Disenfranchised Grief and the Role of Therapy

Grieving When the World Tells You Not to: Disenfranchised Grief and the Role of Therapy

One of the few certainties in our fast-paced, ever-changing world is grief. Our understanding of and responses to grief can vary greatly. Factors such as cultural understanding, religious beliefs, and gender may impact this experience, and yet grief remains something that underpins the human experience. Despite being such a universal experience, there are many scenarios in which someone’s grief, or right to grieve, may be judged, invalidated, or met without empathy.

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not accepted or validated by others. Abortion or miscarriage loss, the loss of an abuser, loss involving suicide or overdose, or the loss of a former romantic partner may all fall into the category of disenfranchised grief. When considering abortion, society may invalidate one’s right to grieve due to perceptions, and arguably the illusion, of choice. Similarly, when experiencing grief from an ex-partner, society may create less space for this loss because the person was not actively in their life. When society deems a death controversial, the minimal room left for the griever’s feelings is often accompanied by internalized shame for grieving at all.

Someone experiencing disenfranchised grief is likely to be experiencing it alone, or maybe not allowing themselves to experience it at all. Feeling unable to grieve leaves someone isolated during a time where connection and having their feelings witnessed is crucial. Shame surrounding grief may leave someone unable to confront it altogether. Having to grieve alone, or detaching from feelings of grief entirely, can leave someone more vulnerable to prolonged and complex grief.

The belief that someone is not entitled to grieve, or should already be “over it,” often leaves confusion and feelings of failure in its wake. It becomes particularly confusing when the grief presents itself as rumination, chronic activation, total detachment, or feeling stuck. In addition to societal perceptions around disenfranchised grief, there are other factors that determine the “acceptability” of grief. When working with grief, it is crucial to acknowledge the capitalistic pressure to return to normal life, work, and productivity. The emphasis on contributing to society rarely accounts for the emotional disruption grief creates. Further, gender identity and the expectations associated with it may limit one’s ability to grieve in a way that feels natural. It is imperative to understand how demographics like gender identity, age, culture, religion, etc. may influence the grieving process in addition to disenfranchised loss.

So where does therapy come in? When working with disenfranchised grief, the therapeutic process may initially be simple. For someone who has been invalidated, shamed, and judged when expressing their grief, simply naming their loss and pain in a safe space can be monumentally healing. Offering this corrective experience for clients can create room for clients to honor their own grief. Further, understanding, and when needed, challenging certain ideas and expectations around grief can be deeply validating.

The only thing we know for certain about grief is that there is no one right way to experience it. Therapy may provide space, strengthen connection to one’s internal experience, and promote adaptive coping tools, but it will not defeat grief. Grief is not meant to be defeated. The hope with grief is that we learn to grow alongside it, learn to accept when we can’t “fix” it, and find ways to feel connected to the people we lost.